Burger

It's every doctor's worst nightmare - your patient suffers from a surgery complication, clinging for life by the slimmest margins, irate family members stomping the feet and the lava flow of hot emotion rushing in. During our lunch meeting today, my mentor told the story in such detail that our adrenaline was swooshing through the bloodstream with him.

"There is a great deal of emotion to deal with under such situation," he taught us. "First priority here is not to state your stand. Acknowledge the family's emotion before you say anything. The secret - if there is one - is to acknowledge and narrate their feelings, and then, once they calm a bit, it's your turn to say what you want to say."

And this is exactly what I've learnt to communicate with an "uncivilized" toddler who happens to be in a fit of outburst.

Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block, calls this the Fast-Food Rule when he tells a story about a guy who was pulling up to the fast-food restaurant order window. "May I help you?" "Yup," the man replied, "A burger and fries, please."

And what should the waitress say back to that guy? One might think that the guy is too lazy to cook (and he is), and should have ordered two burgers because he looks hungry (that too). Anything wrong with that? Nothing, except we should not say it. The very first thing, really, is to repeat the order, "Okay, that's a burger and fries. Anything to drink?" The key point is to let the guy know we understand exactly what he wants.

The magic of the Fast-Food Rule is that it works wonder for my daughter. The quickest way to show Jasmine that I care, whenever she's upset, is to describe what I observe: "You look sad." Then before I know it - pronto - my lovely kid begins to soften.

Good advice, that.